Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
