In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
How's work?
Spinning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
