My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
