Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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