I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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