Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
