Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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