I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
