Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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