This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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