we have officially lost it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
