your parents love me but you hate me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Randomize
