Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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