Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
