this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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