I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
