the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
