Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
