I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
