is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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