they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
