i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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