They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
