Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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