What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What a dumb baby whore.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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