"it" just moved
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
