hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
