No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
