i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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