I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
someone owes me an orgasm
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
