I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
