I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
