dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
