Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
