My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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