i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
