The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
