Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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