I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
