I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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