I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
