remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
