i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
