I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
