Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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