He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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