One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
