I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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