You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
