I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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