Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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