Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
