I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
